RWC: Getting bums on saddles. A political plan!

How do we get the weekend warriors to become winter hard core commuters and how do we get the cagers to become any sort of cycling commuters, because once they start they’ll get hooked as we all have done and the only problem will be the mad silly commuter bike races everywhere every morning and evening.

So how do we do it?

One word [being an engineer] Infrastructure

Yup it’s cycle lanes!

When I come to power it will happen this is the plan and it’ll really could work, if we put cycle lanes everywhere it will be the making of this country.

[warning this covers lots of trains of thought but there’s method in my madness] 

We are currently plunging our way into recession and possibly depression, loads of people are out of work and the world is choking to death on car fumes… Basically we are buggered.

Enter the simple bicycle, this simple device will fix our country’s, nay the world’s problems.

Now to build the cycle lanes we need money, but the country is flat broke so how do we get the money?

 

1st we need bikes and lots of them.

Materials shall be reclaimed from scrap yards and all the cars sat in huge car parks around the country doing nothing and the cars we confiscate off lazy people and they shall be made into bicycles.

But who will do this work?

All the people who don’t have jobs will be given a job in factories making the bicycles, learning manufacturing skills and earning a crust (the wages will be pulled from money saved later) to produce thousands of various types of bicycles.

We have loads of bicycles now what to do with them…. Sell them for cheap £50 each for good reliable lightweight bikes made out of ford, Vauxhalls and range rovers.

 

But how will this solve the country problems?

National Obesity Crisis.  Problem Solved

Some people don’t cycle because they are unfit and over weight due to sitting in front of the TV for 10 years. Give all obese people bicycles, take away their TV’s then they will cycle when they get bored enough and then loose weight. Problem sorted!

Saving the NHS millions every year.

 

Smoking addiction. Problem Solved

Give all smokers bicycles, they cycle and still smoke for a while but in order to get faster they would quit. So we get no smokers again saving the NHS millions every year!

The Money saved shall be reinvested into the building of cycle lanes.

 

Traffic congestion.  Problem Solved

The average road is 8m wide 4m each lane, in this space you can just fit one car and one bicycle next to each other, but with just bicycles we can fit 4 cycles next to each other basically quadrupling the volume of traffic we can fit in the current road system.

Saving the country millions every year in lost revenue from people being late due to congestion!

But who will build the cycle lanes?

 

Over crowded Prisons Problem Solved

We have thousands of people lounging around in cells, watching TV and playing pool, Prisoners are the answer. Given the chance / no choice to get out and graft we have a massive workforce available for manual work.

So we shall create cycle lane building chain gangs, thousands of blokes and women’s in jump suits on the streets guarded by men with shot guns should get things moving along quite nicely! 

Chances are that most of those on short sentences will object the 12 hour days grafting at the side of the road and won’t want to re-offend and go back to prison, so the numbers in the prisons will reduce.

With all the roads getting thinner to accommodate the new cycle lanes the speed limits will have to be reduced to 20mph every where…. Well at that speed it’s just as quick to cycle! (See where we are going)

The last part of the plan is to install SAT NAV type system into every car to control the number of vehicles on the road and it should work like so.

  • Get in car; enter destination post code / address.
  • Car calculates the distance with the following results:
  • Less than 1 miles car does not start and flashes up advice note saying “Walk!”
  • Less than 5 miles car does not start and flashes up advice note saying “ Ride your Bike”

This will remove all short journeys that could be walked / ridden = loads less cars!

So we have a country of fit healthy people cycling every where.

Car manufactures give up and start making bicycles!

Co2 emissions reduced dramatically as we all cycle every where.

The rest of the world follow suit, creating the possibilities to cycle round the world in cycle lanes!

 

This is my plan for when I come to power to get more people cycling!

 

Vote Highway Munky

  

P.S. If you are upset and angry about any of the above comments I apologise and will have you a sense of humour posted out immediately. 

RWC: Seven Deadly Sins of Cycling

Lust (Latin, luxuria)

To covert thy neighbors bike, to stand with your mates in the LBS and drool collectively over the new shiny thing, To be so consumed by the thought of the bike that the sale of non essential / redundant body parts sound like a reasonable option in order to procure the bike to end all bikes,

For a good example see my previous posts about the langster Here Here and Here shameful lusting all of it!

Gluttony (Latin, gula)

In days gone by there was the bicycle, that was it it was just a bicycle just one for everything. Then the gluttony hit and gluttony for cyclists comes second only to air! we would have bikes for every day of the week, every possible surface and type of riding if we were not kept in check by those minor things in life.:

Significant other – She/He who must be persuaded that this new bike is a life essential

Bank Balance – I could get away with just beans on toast every day but I fear that the kids would complain, money has to go else where, and no matter how pretty the bike it can’t feed the family. (selfish buggers…..Joke)

Greed (Latin, avaritia)

One simply word will describe all the greed for a cyclist….. accessories. Some will tell you that cycling is cheap and inexpensive. This is a lie and because the greed takes hold, I need another pair of gloves, more tubes, well this multi tool is loads better than the last one, tools, lights, tubes, tyres, helmets, clothes, wet clothes, dry clothes, lube, cleaner, replacement parts…….. its a long list that greed plays with between it’s fingers toying with you, convincing you that you need this, that…. two of everything.

Sloth (Latin, acedia)

This is to cycling what kryptonite is to superman, allow but a little sloth into your life and all the fitness you spent 6 months gaining will disappear,your waist line will expand, legs loose defenition. The sloth cycling is to not ride, to polish ones bike, and never use it, allow it to go unridden. Sloth can take you any time, any where and take a lot of pain to recover from.

Wrath (Latin, ira)

Wrath is a friend and an enemy to every commuter, it can spur you on to race the traffic and that bastard who just cut you up, but it can also lead to you spewing wrath and rage at those cagers who do not see, look, care that you are there. Wrath leads to Hate, Hate leads to Suffering, This is the path to the Dark Side….. hang on this isn’t Star Wars…

Envy (Latin, invidia)

OMG How cool is “Billy Bob McFudgen’s New Bike” (made up name) Envy of thy mates bike is a dark path to tread this leads to ” can I have a go?” which leads to “This is awesome, loads better than my bike” and in the end you and your mates all have the same bike. I know it happens at the LBS every 6months!

Pride (Latin, superbia)

Pride for a commuter is intrinsically linked to the Silly Commuter Racing. Being passed of seeing someone half a mile down the road causes an instant twang of pride, “I must catch them!!” or in my case the 1st thought that comes into my head is ” Ello W’abbit” This pride has burned more calories than any motivational music in the world.

Don’t believe me? 595 page thread on the issue should convince you that it is a disease…. and spreading.

How many sins have you commited lately?